Dan, Dan & Dan

way-oh way-oh

2003-10-21T22:27:23Z

hey fans of the band! of dans! thanks for sticking with us while we were trapped in this totally deep hole in a country that you've never heard of! we were guarded by politicians with rabbit ears and barry white voices. well, not "guarded" so much as "prevented from leaving" thanks to some "suspicious materials" found in a "dark region" that "danny would rather not talk about." thanks also to the three of you (you know who you are!) who stopped by to wave at us and then pelted us with raisinettes when we asked you to please, please, please free us. that was so awesome.

top ten things that the band of dans is all about right now
1. the syrup that canned peaches come in
2. mistletoe
3. that one snl sketch with sting on the elevator
4. everything that sting has ever done
5. except the stuff he did as sting
6. we actually just like the police
7. "roxanne" is a great song
8. shag carpet
9. lincoln center
10. canada

sassy is our last name

2003-02-16T03:02:40Z

yo yo.

can we talk about suvs? not, like, the cars. but suvs. pronounced "suh-vesss." oh, we can hear you from here. you're all, "drop the crack, dans, drop it right now. DROP IT AT MY FEET! there ain't no such thing, fools." to which we say: you're correct. there ain't no such thing. that's a double negative, you know. there is a thing. and we wish you'd stop questioning us all the time. ALL THE TIME. you're constantly standing behind us, shaking your little fingers, your fat, scrawny little fingers, asking us questions and feeding us lies and dropping bombs on innocents...

oh, wait, we've got you confused with someone else.

the point is that weinkauf has a hickey the size of cleveland on his neck, and no, not like the kissy-sucky sort of hickey, but like, our hickey, dan hickey. he actually had him sewed to his neck. he was so drunk. not as drunk as hickey, i mean...well...anyway, so it's a problem. worst idea ever. he's having him removed on president's day. he says that's his favorite holiday. next to labor day. which, you have to admit, is a pretty awesome holiday.

and miller would like to point out that chaucer's so-called expose on his life, "miller's tale," is SO NOT ABOUT HIM.

and just in case you're wondering, the dans are opposed to war in iraq.

2002-09-30T04:14:29Z

hickey absolutely, positively, absolutely will not eat canned peaches.

you're saying, all right, so what? canned peaches aren't all that great anyway. they're made of tinfoil (which is actually aluminum foil; ask your friendly earth science teacher) and they taste like government surplus. so who cares if hickey doesn't eat canned peaches?

miller. of course miller. it's always miller, have you noticed that? he fights with his hat, he fights with your mom, and now he's mad because he won the canned peaches lottery and hickey simply refuses to do his part. weinkauf, now, he doesn't really care for canned peaches, but he likes the syrup, so miller and weinkauf has a system: miller eats the peaches and weinkauf bathes in the syrup. yeah, bathes. what, you think he smells that nice on his own? not so, my friend. not so.

the history of the canned peaches lottery is rather fascinating, by the way. i suggest you look into it while you're bronzing your copies of the dial-a-song anthology.

by the way, for those of you who feel a little intimidated by the tmbg-related releases that aren't technically new albums (the anthology, the people are wrong sampler), try this fun easter game: buy several copies of each and then hit them against each other until one breaks. the one that breaks is the weaker one. write this in a review and send it to magnet and mojo.

you're welcome.

dans in the hizzouse

2002-07-31T22:19:57Z

all right, let's say you have a house. it's a pretty nice house with a pretty nice backyard and it's in a neighborhood that's pretty nice. you live in this house with two of your compadres and each of you has a different colored section and sometimes you all speak with british accents and laugh about it. but like we said, it's a nice house, but the house needs something, but you're not sure what it is. so one day you're practicing your bass (let's say) in the basement, or your guitar (let's say) in the attic or your drum kit (let's say) in the kitchen.

AND SUDDENLY IT HITS YOU.

a rock, thrown through the window if the basement (let's say) or the attic (let's say) and/or the kitchen (let's say). and on this rock is attached a note. you do not read it, because you have been knocked unconscious.

when you wake up, there is new aluminum siding on your house and you can't remember your name. there is an unfamiliar taste on your lips, the taste of blood, of cigarettes and good whiskey, of men, of women, and of...

no, that was another night.

there is a familiar taste in your mouth, the taste of that ham and swiss bagel sandwich you had for lunch. that's really digusting.

you'd better just stay on tour forever, because crap like this only happens when you're at home, speaking with a fake british accent.

it's too early to be drunk and too late to be sober.

2002-06-23T17:23:21Z

we are the dans we are we are we are the dans we are we are we are the dans we are we are we are the dans we are we are.

we wrote that song.

do you have no! yet? why not? you little punks...weinkauf sings on it, you know. if you listen closely you can hear traces of the british accent he tried to drop when he immigrated here from the uk. you didn't know that about him, did you? there's a lot you don't know about the weinkauf. for instance, do you know what film he likes to watch when he's winding down? no, that's a video. no, that's also a video. also, ew. no, he likes to watch the sound of music. he only watches the first half, though, he thinks the parts with the nazis (especially the part when rolf, that lily-livered bastard, gives them away!) is icky.

here's something else you didn't know about miller. yeah, we're talking about miller now. you didn't know that he is secretly in love with you. it's true. hickey's been trying to get him to kick the habit, but it's hard. oh, it's not that miller likes the groupies, it's that he likes YOU, and he knows you're not a groupie. he'd like to know if, uh, maybe you, uh, wanna go out for coffee someday. or whatever.

you know what you don't know about hickey? nothing. the hickey is an open book. he likes puppies, soft blankets, and post-hardcore bands. you may have seen him in a pit recently. he was the one who broke your arm and gave you whiplash.

we are the dans we are we are we are the dans we are we are we are the dans we are we are.

!!?!?

2002-02-28T01:50:36Z

we won an award!

ooh, ooh, ooh! we won an award! we're kinds of the world! cocks of the walk! gummis of the slaw!

we don't even know what to do right now! except use up some more exclamation points! if we were flansburgh, we would swear a lot! if we were linnell, we'd jump! but we're not! we're just! really! really! confused! but! happy! !!

results to our monster quiz!!!

2002-02-16T17:30:45Z

thirty of our loyal fans took the dan quiz, and people did all right, although only two people--a "shannon" and the mysterious "lovah girl" (is that french?) got perfect scores. those of you looking for the answers need look no further than this...

1. How many Dans are there in the *real* Band of Dans? Please be careful not to count any of those "part-time" Dans who think they can spend their time in fancy Broadway shows and then waltz back in with their fancy manners and hair and pretend they're one of the REAL band.
the correct answer is three. twenty-one of you got that. we're not quite sure what to do with the seven of you who guesed four, and we're really not sure what to do with the individuals who guessed one and two.

2. How do you make gummi slaw?
a difficult question, to be sure! the gummi slaw recipe has been passed down through miller's family for at least fifteen years, and they guard it carefully. the correct response was one part gummi, one part slaw, mix well, serve cold. some of you went for two part gummi, but understand that this makes it much harder to chew.

3. which hat does miller currently favor?
the correct response at the time of this test's creation was "none," as he'd been arguing with the stocking cap (most people--eleven--guessed stocking cap). that was then, however, and we're pleased to announce that the two have reconciled and have decided to give their relationship another shot.

4. what material are danny's red pants made of?
most of you guessed corduroy; the correct reply was "jeans" (although if we'd been in a more grammatically correct mood, we might have said "denim"). this was a trick question, as we normally have the stage lights set to a super-secret pattern that makes them look like corduroy. it's to throw off the man.

5. what ails hickey?
long-term hearing loss. if you didn't know this, you haven't been paying attention.

6. which actor makes the best baby-sitter?
michael caine, all the way. he got eight votes, which tied him with jimmy stewart. that's a fun answer, but jimmy stewart is dead, and dead people don't make good babysitters. we like michael caine because he tells great stories. he's also pretty hot. admit it.

7. three dans in a fight. who wins?
the correct answer was, indeed, "dans don't fight, dans just love." nineteen of you got that, seven went for the capitalistic pay-per-view answer. three people thought hickey might win, one thought miller might win. surprisingly, absolutely no one thought weinkauf would win. he's coming over to your house to prove you wrong.

8. which album showcases the best of the band of dans?
a tough one; most people correctly guessed that tmbg's "mink car" showcased our best work, although we agree with the four who think that "back in black" by ac/dc might be a close second.

9. worst habit of the band of dans?
the majority vote went to misplacing our setlists, with another five going for our rogers & hammerstein fetish. well, we never misplace our setlists, and while we do like a good dose of "south pacific" from time-to-time, our worst habit is really all of those smoke breaks.

10. which dan is the best dan?
the best dan is, of course, dan. obviously.

wow, it sure is late!

2002-01-14T09:52:59Z

hey, kids. not much to talk about...it's been a pretty lazy year so far. miller's learning how to knit and hickey's learning how to rap. weinkauf made cookies today. that's about it, really.

we thought you might enjoy taking this quiz- it's made by us and it's all about us. good luck! it's pretty hard.

a very dan holiday

2001-12-27T01:16:43Z

hi kids. it's not christmas anymore, which is all right, and it's not any other holiday quite yet, except maybe kwanzaa, and none of us celebrate that, except for miller, who will always take an excuse to light stuff on fire. not that he really needs an excuse. no one needs an excuse. but the excuses are nice anyway.

so some of us celebrate christmas and some of us don't, which all has to do with religion and tradition and heritage and blah blah blah- who's interested in that? NOBODY. but we do like to have a secret santa thing, because santa is both non-denominational and a man who looks fetching in red pants, much like our very own mr. weinkauf.

the secret santa thing usually goes really well. we all buy things for ourselves and then wrap them and give them to other people and then guess who bought what for himself. it sounds confusing but it's really not. this year, dan got a pony, dan got a puppy, and dan got a hermit crab. they're all beanie babies, but they're really cute.

so that's all we've got this time around. we've got a show coming up sometime later this week, then that new year's gig...somewhere...we don't know, we'll figure it out before it happens. and yeah, we hope you'll all come. to wherever they are.

the fourth dan

2001-12-09T07:17:45Z

hi!!!!!!! dan levine here!!!!!!

sorry about all of those exclamation points. i'm just totally thrilled to finally be posting in the bandofdans livejournal. i've been reading this thing since it started, and i was really offended that i wasn't included in the bandofdans love. i bitched about it so much that weinkauf actually stopped speaking to me for a week. then he needed some money to buy some kashi so he asked me for ten dollars and smacked his head really hard because he'd realized he'd just broken his vow of silence.

anyway, they told me i couldn't be part of this, but they're not even in america right now, so what are they going to do? fly all the way back here and hit me just because i broke into miller's apartment so i could post? yeah, right! anyway, no one can touch me right now, i'm a part of the broadway smash-hit "the producers" (i play in the pit!), and matthew broderick told me that if anyone gave me trouble, he'd kick that troublemakers ass! well, that's not exactly what he said. but he meant to say it.

i think that when it snows everything is pretty.

well, i guess that's all. see, i don't want them to get too mad at me, 'cause once we play together again, miller might electrocute me with messily-threaded guitar strings or hickey might throw a cowbell at my head or something. i mean, don't get me wrong, they're great guys, they're just very protective of their images.

(confidential to the other dans: i still love you guys! don't be mad, ok? also, miller, this place is a dump. try cleaning the fridge or something. i went to get a drink and i swear to god some moldy leftovers tried to attack me. also, you're out of yoo-hoo.)

driving on a different side of the road

2001-12-05T16:36:09Z

(it's not as easy as you think!)

all right, whiners. so we're here in australia doing what we do best: boozing it up and loving the ladies. AHAHAHAHAHA. all right, that was a joke. we're overall average at both of those things. which is not to say that, ladies, we're not worth your time. we're worth the time of all the ladies and all the gentlemen and all the pints of lager that do love us.

and we're sorry we called you whiners. we're really glad you like this exciting journal, even if we do keep forgetting we have it.

and here's the thing. none of us have a computer. man, the crap we went through to get this one in! hickey stole this laptop from this guy who tried to speak scottish to him. we've got the phone line jerry-rigged through a complicated series of broken bass strings, coffee cups, and booze-scented setlists. we can't breathe too hard or the whole thing falls apart.

australia, aside from being a really great shape, is extremely well-shaped! it makes us all want to work out.

the happenings of the happening

2001-10-25T01:04:50Z

hey, kids. quick update, 'cause we got some playin' to do in columbus, but now that you know that we're doing the music for diet dr pepper, we know you'll be writing about the product...so just know that there's no period after the "dr" in "diet dr pepper."

everybody's talkin' about us

2001-10-21T23:36:51Z

one of our loyal fans rightfully pointed out that we haven't been updating in a very long time. for this, we apologize. we're certain that you understand how difficult it is to get internet access on the tour...especially since whenever we get to an internet cafe, flans calls first dibs and spends his whole time writing updates for emusic. WHATEVER.

i guess we owe you some stories. there aren't many to tell. hickey's been keeping a diary of all the funny roadside bathroom graffiti he's seen. his favorite so far is "yur got no luv between yur legz frum me!!!!!!!" he says he's gonna get a t-shirt with that on it. the rest of us don't think that's a very good idea. we think some people might take it the wrong way.

we're totally sorry that so many of you have had to order tickets to the new york show from ticketmaster. we all agree that the one smart thing pearl jam ever did was try to fight ticketmaster.

dan thinks he's losing weight. danny doesn't know why, because all he sees dan eating are slim jims and milkshakes. his breath is just as gross as you think it might be.

we'll try not to be such suckwads about updating. we still love your love as much as we love our own love.

because everyone's your friend in new york city

2001-09-21T21:34:00Z

hey, kids.

it's been a traumatic couple of weeks for everyone, and we thought it was high time we checked in, looked around, and made a couple of pints of gummi slaw for our adoring public.

we do have an adoring public, right?

anyway. keep your heads high, kids. the band of dans is marching on, still playing the rock music, still rocking out to the playing music. not being players, yet not player hating. yes. we are the band of dans. we argue with our headwear and make funny faces.

we love you all and we hope you're all right.

don't worry, we're all right.

2001-09-08T14:33:11Z

we understand that a few people were alarmed by our no-show on conan o'brien last night. we also understand that a few people didn't realize that the three of us were a no-show, because for some reason, a few people think we look a lot like phil "dj *****" hernandez and a reel-to-reel. we're not speaking to those people anymore.

anyway, we're all right. we're just resting up for the big tour. it's like the tour is the playoffs, and we're the first string players, and the coach wants to rest us so that we can win the championship. that's a really great analogy, of course, until you start wondering why the johns wouldn't just send replacements for themselves, and then we guess it just doesn't make sense anymore.

there is the possibility that they thing the giants heads of william allen white are better company.

man, that's sort of depressing.

storytime

2001-08-28T15:39:55Z

yesterday hickey was walking to the grocery store to buy (what else?) some gummi slaw fixings. some young lady with short hair stopped him and said, "are you in a band?". hickey was sort of frightened for a minute, and he looked for a place to run away. there were many doors, but no exits. so he smiled nervously at the girl and said, "maybe."

she said, "i KNEW it! you're sean "p.diddy" combs, aren't you!?"

hickey said he was. she asked for his autograph and he declined the opportunity, but said he'd buy her groceries.

kids these days are strange. i mean...p.diddy isn't in a BAND. he's...you know...HIMSELF. and he has a recording studio and whatnot.

but we suppose hickey does look a lot like him.

battle bots suck

2001-08-23T16:35:48Z

man, all sorts of concerts coming up. it makes us all very tired just thinking about it. but it's all right. we're ready to rock this country from coast to coast. especially sauget, IL. we're going to rock sauget especially hard, so if anyone wants to fly out to see the show, we would totally recommend doing that.

miller's stocking cap robbed a bank last week. you probably saw it on the news. so sad when knits go bad. weinkauf once had a sweater who killed a man.

minks

2001-08-15T16:09:23Z

we hope you emusic kids have been enjoying mink car. it's pretty good, huh? always makes us wanna dance. we might even say it's the best tmbg album ever. we're kinda biased, though, you know, being that it's the only one we're all on all the time.

so things have been good. the documentary show was crazy! and tiring. hickey claims he slept for a month after it was over, but that's obviously not true because he's awake right now.

we're listening to this new guided by voices album and miller keeps talking about how he once saw them like a million years ago and they were SO drunk and how that was really weird how drunk they were but they kept playing. we can't do that with tmbg, because we'd all run into each other and forget chords and probably die. so what we do instead is drink coffee out of shot glasses. but only when we're feeling a little bit like bob pollard.

we're thinking about all going out for burritos. does anyone want to come with us?

document this

2001-07-30T21:56:09Z

hey, kids.

hope you're all psyched about the documentary next weekend. we're pretty excited. well, we were excited once flans explained that the cameras don't really steal our souls. linnell told us that and then he laughed into his coffee but we took a vote and decided to believe what he said, because he's usually right (he was really right about the tri-tone being the devil's chord- danny was playing with the keyboards once on halloween and he conjured up some nasty spirits, but that's another story...). anyway, guess this time he was just joshing. so if you guys are worried about the cameras stealing your soul, don't be. it'll all be all right.

wankers (we picked that word up in a foreign country)

2001-07-24T20:21:38Z

hmm...>which flans is which?

the band of dans marches on. we don't believe in stupid people, war, or poverty. we believe in rock music.

dan plays the crazy guitar.

danny plays the super bass.

dan plays the pounding drums.

do you love us? we'll make you some of that gummi slaw if you love us.

so...which is a better song..."do do do do, de da da da" or "message in a bottle"? miller's cat likes "do..." but none of us agree with him. we think "message" is more nuanced. we don't want to fight with the cat, though, because he's stronger than we are.

fish and chips

2001-07-18T03:51:17Z

neil gaiman seemed to enjoy the show the other day. which is cool. hickey's read some of his stuff and says it's all right. it's not stupid or anything. actually it's pretty smart. and we hear he likes the magnetic fields, which is cool. we mean, weird, but cool. he also likes tori amos. weinkauf thinks he's hotter than tori amos. miller says he's right.

agggggggggggggggggh!

2001-07-15T21:09:34Z

what day is it? what country is this? where's the flavoring? do they have curry over here? oh, my god, we are in desparate need of some curry! does curry cure jet lag? what time is it? did we miss bastille day?

(weinnkauf reports that he likes seeing everyone drive on the other side of the road. it reminds him of his days in driving school.)

AGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!

hey, what ever happened to those spice girl chicks? could someone send them a map to sheppard's bush?

emusic for a better america

2001-07-11T04:46:36Z

hey kids. we hope you've been enjoying this month's unlimited. we know you probably haven't. we know that most of you have pretty much hated every single emusic month. yes, you like the songs, oh, you like the songs, but they will be released elsewhere, you say, and we understand that this is a frustrating thing. it is hard to be unlimited. the johns are learning.

but there is a REALLY GOOD REASON to be irritated at this month's selection! do you know why? have you really looked at it? looked closely? hmm? does something seem to be missing? something very important?

right now we hear some of you smartasses yelling, 'yes! the six other tracks which were up for three days and then removed for inclusion in the next unlimited!' but we don't care about that. that is not what we are talking about. we are talking about the fact that we...the band of dans...the ILLUSTRIOUS band of dans...we are nowhere to be found in this month's unlimited!

that's harsh, man. but we're not feeling slighted, no. we're feeling...liberated. it's difficult to be tied down all the time. this freedom from unlimited has made us feel as though our lives, too, are unlimited.

dig?

hey, check it out!

2001-07-08T02:43:47Z

a hot picture of danny doing the two-step! he's getting really good.

you'll note that miller's stocking cap isn't on. they weren't speaking that day. that's probably why it fused to his head the other day.

sun in our eyes

2001-07-06T20:59:38Z

miller took the subway today so that he could buy some of those special rubber gloves he's so fond of (don't ask questions). he buys them on the rubber glove black market. you wouldn't think so, but the black market for rubber gloves is almost as big as the black market for babies!

the point is that on the way there, he got on an un-air-conditioned subway car, and it got so hot that his stocking cap fused to his head. it's ok to laugh at him, everyone else did.

um, incidentally, we must be en route to the uk pretty soon! that's pretty hot. i hear they serve chips with every fish!